I think what triggered the feeling is thinking about my upcoming summer. I do have plans, but the little things that make up the big picture is blurred. I am uncertain with where and how to achieve it. But the thing is my plan is leaving a place behind, leaving familiar faces, and starting adapt to my own independence.
Being independent has had it's ups and downs with me.
For most of my life, I was independent. Money-wise, I started working around freshman year of high school when I was 14 years old. I decided to do that because I had an epiphany (I know it sounds silly) and realized that I'm growing up and I have to do things on my own because I didn't want my parents to deal with worrying about me financially. I didn't want them to spend money on the things I wanted (and boy, I wanted a lot of things), especially when there are six other children they have to cater to. So to the clothes I've worn, the gadgets I own, the money I spend when I go out, that is all my money. I worked for that money. Because of what I did, my siblings started to follow my ways and started to work on their own. They are all started at a very young age (14 years old?). I believe that when each of us hit freshman year of high school, that's when we all started to work. Our parents don't buy us the things we want anymore, but they buy us things we need. School is a need, but clothes is a want. There is a difference. They chose to financially help us with school because it's what they believe is important and they will do anything, and I mean anything to help us, such as paying almost 7 grand for school.
I started to become dependent around the end of 2008 and at the age of 17. Many thought I didn't need what was going to come because they thought I was "too good" for that, that I didn't need to let someone in when I was doing so well by myself anyway. But things didn't turn out that way. Barriers were slowly coming down, getting so comfortable became so easy, and suddenly, it's taken away from you all. It's like someone pulling a cloth on the ground and I didn't realize that I fell in too deep into the hole. My whole independent-self went out the window. I stayed in that hole for months and months, but I knew better than to stay in there; I needed to get out. It took me months before I even tried to climb back up. I knew what I needed to do, but I didn't do it.
Months and months of trying to crawl out the hole of dependency, I finally reached the top. Of course along the way, there were times where I slipped or wanted to just give up and let "dependency"/the hole take me again, but I knew that if I let go then, I would never get out. I would be in there for the rest of my life. I couldn't let myself do that.
So here I am at the age of 19, deciding what to do after months of crawling and finally getting to the top. Sometimes I just want to crawl back into that hole because I became so accustomed to it, because it's what I know, it's what I'm used to. I can't though, I just don't have that option anymore. So summer is fast approaching and I have plans, but I need some guidance. I'm just not quite used to feeling at the top, but it does feel so good.
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What the f am I talking about here?
I felt like writing a meaningful post and this is my result?
I am r-tarded. Night.
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